You weren’t just my best friend, you filled the holes in my life. Now you’re just the dark to my light.
Body image/Self-esteem issues suck, they really do. I have been there, and some times I still find myself in that place where I hate my body, my face, my everything. But what’s even worse than body image issues is just not feeling oke about who your are, not just what you look like…. But hating the person you’ve become or what you represent.
I’m moving today and don’t know when exactly I’ll be back. I actually planned to do the real move tomorrow, just move most of my stuff today and then stay the night here and leave tomorrow. But my uncle had other plans and apparently is sick of me, so he insisted I’m move today. :(
It sucks that I don’t have my own laptop (mine has not been working since early January) and I’ve been using my aunt laptop the past few months because they own 2 laptops.
I really need some time to get my life back on track, because everything is shit right now and my life is not at all what I imagined it would be like at 22 (well almost 22).
I put a bunch of stuff in my queue, so my blog won’t be totally dead and I’ll probably come back every once in a while just for a little bit to fill my queue up and stuff. I also hope I can fix my laptop soon or whatever… but until then I hope y’all bear with me and don’t unfollow.
My uncle came home 2 days early from his holiday. For some reason I’ve been feeling it the whole day, i was kinda paranoid and everytime I heard a car door slam I looked outside the window to see if it was my uncle. Normally I clean up at the very last moment. So that would’ve been tomorrow evening. But I had this really unsetteling feeling and thought he might come home today - so I cleaned the house, not all of it, but most of it.
I saved my room for last and planned to do that tomorrow morning. But my uncle came home an hour ago and my room is still a freaking mess. Now I have to stay awake till I clean/tidy my room… And I’m s freaking tired - only slept like 4/5 hours in the past 42 hours or something.
Also I was having a barbecue with a friend and drinking and I’m at that point where the alcohol is making me really sleepy. Top that with those few hours I slept… My god I just can’t right now. But it’s either clean up or get in an argument tomorrow.
+ I traded the big laptop (my uncles) for the small one (my aunts) and I have no idea how I was ever able to read texts on gifs - because I find that almost impossible. Everything is just too tiny.
And then there comes a point where I try to be strong, but it’s way too much effort. I honestly have no idea what my life has come to - I don’t see the fucking point right now.
I don’t even like to admit I feel like this, but I can’t always pretend I’m fine. Even if I actually do feel fine, okay or even good there’s still this big void/black hole inside of me beneath the surface. I don’t think I actually know what feeling ‘fine’ is… For me even feeling remotely content is being fine or good.
I don’t know what home is, or just having a place where you feel safe and at ease. Ever since I got kicked out at 16 - it’s been one ‘temporary home’ after another, and I’m fucking sick of it. I’m sick of the fact that my family just ‘throws’ me out whenever they want to - or when they feel like they have done their part. I’m sick of constantly moving from place to place, I’m sick of the uncertainty of not knowing where to go next… And even if I find something there is always the uncertainty of ‘how long will I be able to stay there’.
I’ve got 2 fucking weeks to find something or else my uncle will just kick me to the curb.
It’s not my fucking fault I was born, I didn’t ask to be here. I can’t help I was born to parents who never took their responsibility for the life they created together. I’m just trying to survive while they are happily (or so it seems) living their own lives.
This is how I fucking feel - and right now I can’t fucking hide it or pretend that’s not how I feel.
RANDOM FACTS! REBLOG SO YOUR FOLLOWERS CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU.
► Name ➔ Rachel.
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ Always.
► Are you single ➔ Yes
► Are you happy ➔ I try to be.
► Are you bored ➔ Not now and not often.
► Are you sad ➔ Also not now
► Are you Italian ➔ Lol, no.
► Are you German ➔ Nope.
► Are you Asian ➔ What is up with these rediculous questions, can’t you just ask what’s your nationality?
► Are you angry ➔ No - right now I’m content.
► Are you Irish ➔ Also no.
► Are your parents still married ➔ yes
► Birth Place ➔ Rotterdam, The Netherlands.
► Hair Color ➔ Original hair color is brown. But right now I’m a blonde.
► Eye color ➔ Brown.
► Birthday ➔ September 16th
► Mood ➔ Content.
► Gender ➔ Female.
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Summer or winter ➔ Summer, most definitely.
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon - but evening is even better.
THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ Nope.
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Yes.
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ Me.
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yes.
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ I’m a heartbreaker! :’)
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ Not anymore really.
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Yes.
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Probably, it’s what I do.
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes.
► Love or lust ➔ Love.
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced Tea.
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Dogs.
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Few best friends.
► Television or internet ➔ Internet.
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke.
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Wild night out.
► Day or night ➔ Night.
► IM or Phone ➔ Phone.
HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out ➔ Yes.
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ Yes.
► White water rafted ➔ No.
►Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ Yes.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes.
► Skipped school ➔ Yes.
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yes.
► Smile or eyes ➔ Smile.
► Light or dark hair ➔ Light - but not on everyone.
► Fat or skinny ➔ Skinny.
► Shorter or Taller ➔ Taller.
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Intelligence.
► Jock or Nerd ➔ Jock - or a sexy nerd like Max (90210).
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship.
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Funny and poor.
► Last Phone Call ➔ My best friend
► Last phone call you received ➔ My boss.
► Last person you hung out with ➔ My bestie.
► Last thing you ate ➔ Sweet Popcorn.
► Last thing you drank ➔ Coke.
► Last site you went to ➔ Fast Pass Tv.
► Last place you were ➔ In town.
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ Nope.
► When was your last relationship ➔ 2009.
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ Yep - and it sucks.
► Do you still love them ➔ Yes.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ Yes.
► Do you and your family get along ➔ Not really.
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ I do - very much so. ugh!
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ Yes.
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Yes.
► If so, how long ➔ Got kicked out when I was 16 - and have been living pretty much everywhere/nowhere and everything inbetween.
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ There is this girl, but I don’t consider us friends anymore.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ Yesss.
► Who are/is your best friend(s) ➔ Sahar & Sjarmaine.
► Would you die for them ➔ Yes.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ Sahar.
But I should actually be folding laundry right now! There’s a big as mountain of laundry on my bed… I hate folding laundry though - and the fact that it’s so much isn’t really helping. :(
I feel like (trying) writing a song. But I am so extremely tired! I just cannot right now - but I do have inspiration!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT TO ME BRAIN?
I got fired today and I’m quite sad about it - normally I wouldn’t give a fuck about these things, but I liked my job very much… And not only that, for me it was more than just a job, it was an opportunity of personal growth! Because I had to talk to people on the street and ask them if they wanted to donate a small amount of money every month to our foundations… And that is far beyond my comfort zone, seeing as I am quite a shy/awkward person.
I was always that girl that would show up for work, did what I was hired to do, and then I would leave without ever really getting to know my colleagues - or letting them get to know me… But this time it was different, I really opened up to people and let them get to know the real me… I would hang out with them after work and stuff! And I liked it even….
My boss actually gave me a lot of chances, because I wasn’t very good at it, but he liked me a lot and saw potential/really believed in me… But the higher boss wasn’t too happy about it! So today he had to let me go, even though he didn’t want to..
He also told me that he thought I was a cool chick and that I was always welcome to stop by, have some drinks with them etc and that I should try to come back in a few months time….
I grew so much this last month… Like I can’t even believe how much I changed, I’m so much opener toward people! And I am really going to miss my job. :(
What is your middle name? Which one of the 3? Samantha, Angel, Esseline
What are you passionate about? Writing, music, singing.
Zebra or leopard print? Leopard most deffinitely.
Silver or gold? Both.
Top three places to visit: I haven’t been to alot but England was great and I want to go there for a while, America is close after. And Hawaii I’d also like to see.
How many siblings do you have? 2 little brothers and sister, but just half sisters and brothers.
Where are you from? Rotterdam, The Netherlands.
First career you wanted as a child. acrobat
What’s your sign? Virgo
Future names of your children. Charelle, Ashley (for a boy).
What are you listening to right now? Katy McAllister - Because of you.
Do you believe in fate/destiny? Absolutely.
What are your career goals? Something with music.. Singer/Songwriter probably.
What was the first concert/show you attended? In 2003 I went to a concerts with a variety of artist, I remember P!nk being there stacie Orrico and a few others I can’t think of right now. First big concert with just 1 artist was probably Simple Plan.
Something you are working on right now. Atm I’m just focused on work so I can get my own apartment…
Have you ever had a near-death experience? Nahhh
Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? A little bit of both, but most of the time I procrastinate.
Left or right handed? Right
TV Shows you watch regularly. Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries, Switched at birth
Halloween costume idea for this year? IDK, they don’t really celebrate halloween in the netherland, but I might go to a halloween party… As a nurse!
What is your relationship status? Single and loving it.
Last movie you watched. Sahara
A song that’s been stuck in your head. Nothing right now.
A book you want to read/have recently read. I’m still reading Act like a lady think like a men, but it’s a hard reality.
Real life can be just like high school sometimes!
For the last few weeks a lot of drama has been going on at my job! Co-workers fighting with my boss, confidential conversations ending up with my boss, my co-workers thinking I was the snitch because I was the ‘new’ girl… Them telling my boss that I was the kind of girl who would fuck her way to the top by sleeping with my bosses. You name it and it probably happened!
Now you have to understand that normally I’m the kind of person who would normally just go to work, do what I am suppose to do and leave… I don’t really socialize with co-workers. Not because I don’t want to, but simply because I’m a heavy guarded person… I don’t show co-workers the real me and I don’t want them to see the real me… Because often I don’t feel like I am enough for them - or I just think people wouldn’t like me/will judge me for it. But not this time, I decided to change myself, I didn’t wanna be that stand-offish guarded person. So I decided to go out of my comfort zone - and till yesterday I actually enjoyed it! I loved going to work - even though a lot of drama was going on! Most of the employees were really nice, and I got along with them great…. Event went with a few of them to see a band play in town.
Then today I somehow managed to get right in the middle of the drama…. The girl I was befriending was fired last week because my boss received a complaint from a location we had worked at together… He asked me if I knew where it came from and if I had heard her say rude things to people! But I honestly didn’t + can’t see her say those things…. I told my boss exactly that - but he fired her anyway. My boss saw on me that I felt really bad that she was fired while we were both working that location so he asked me into his ofice to talk to me about it… Again he asked me if I really hadn’t heard her say rude things and that I could just tell him - because she was fired anyways. I told him again, I swore actually that I hadn’t heard a thing and that I couldn’t imagine it was her…. He then left it at that and just told me that he really liked me and saw huge potential in me and therefore he did not want to fire me… And the girl just wasn’t bringing her A game.
After she was fired a gay couple quit because of this situation.
I told the girl exactly what my boss did after the conversation, but only because I felt guilty towards her that I go another chance and she didn’t… And because I trusted her to keep that information for herself - because I thought we were becoming friends… I already knew my boss really liked me (in a non flirty/sexual way - it’s just we once rode the same train and were stuck together for and hour or so, so we talked alot on that train ride). And I also told her that story confidential…
Now the gay couple said to me on BBM: I run into R (my boss) and asked him about what you said he asked you after K (fired girl) was fired and he said you were lying.
Me: I’m not, I know what he said but okay.
Them: No really, he said you were just making stuff up, he never said those things or tried to get you to snitch on her after she was already fired. So we asked him why would Rachel tell us that when it’s not even true? And he said that that was just the way you are.
Me: Okay whatever! I’m done with this bullshit, I know what he said and it doesn’t matter who believes me as long as I know.
Them: Just a question, what happened between the 2 of you on that train ride?
I didn’t answer the last question because I was extremely angry! This is exactly why I never socialize with co-workers. I do not even believe my boss said that to them - because when he called me for next weeks work shedule he just was as nice to me as always.. Wasn’t acting strange or anything.
This is just one big high school drama!
On my first day off (yesterday) I just spend the whole day in the garden tanning and just relaxing. Now today on my second day off I spend the whole day cleaning, doing laundry, tidying my room because I hadn’t had time for all of that! But now that all of that is done I just have no idea what to do right now! And tomorrow will be my 3rd day off!
Happy to go back to work on tuesday! Though I still have to keep myself from being any more awkward towards my boss than I usually already am.
After work I stayed a little bit longer at the office because I was asked if I wanted to come see a band that was playing close by. I felt like being social and didn’t wanna go home and spend my friday night on tumblr so I decided to go….
My 2 bosses were there too (1 I have a huuuugee crush on, he’s also younger than I am). And my boss being there was kind of the reason I went, because I have socialized with alot of people from work, even my other boss - but not him (mainly because I get awkward if I have a crush).
It really was a fun evening and some off my co-workers said they were happy that I stayed with them because I never stay at the office for too long/do anything with them outside of work while my other co-workers often do… We ended up riding the same train, they were going somewhere else to continue to party and I was going home… Then as we were getting to the their train stop everyone got up - but my boss actually forgot that I wasn’t going with them and already walked off… So as I was saying my goodbye’s to my other co-workers by kissing them on the cheek - I shouted after him: Okay goodbye to you too…
Then he walked back to give me a kiss on the cheek but we ended up turning our heads the exact same direction! So I almost kissed him on the mouth! rghjdkfsdgjsfh
SOOOOOOOOOO AWKWAAARDDDDDD! I don’t even wanna go back to work on tuesday!